La Vie En Robe

Memoirs of a Reluctant Catcher, Part Three

The last time I was at Randy Hundley's Cubs Fantasy Camp, I led the camp in nicknames: "Eppy," "Pepi," "Juan," "Dynamite," "Samardizja" and "Haircut" were among the things I was called, but the one that stuck was "Wheels," which — in the time-honored tradition of calling a big player "Tiny" — derived from the fact that I was painfully, comically slow on the basepaths. Bobby Dernier, my coach in 2010, even claimed that he timed me going from second to home on a play, and that it took me over a minute; if he was exaggerating, it admittedly wasn't by much.

This time, however, the nickname is "Theo" — which, given the fact that the Cubs' new president of baseball operations is by far the most high-profile (and possibly the only) Epstein in franchise history, makes perfect sense. Theo Epstein and new manager Dale Sveum visited the camp earlier in the week, but are gone by the time I arrive.

"So, are you any relation...?" Rick "Big Daddy" Reuschel asks me, early in my first game with his team.

"Yeah, he's my Dad," I wisecrack.

"Really?"

"No."

"Oh, so you're funnin' me," says Big Daddy, shooting me an annoyed look. Even though Theo Epstein is seven years younger than me, and we look nothing alike, I feel like kind of a jerk for funnin' Big Daddy. Mr. Reuschel is a man of few words, but let's just say that he has no problem communicating...

In any case, I am now "Theo" to one and all. "Wheels" wouldn't be appropriate anymore, anyway; having dropped around 15 pounds since my last time in camp, I can actually get around the bases at a pretty fair clip these days. And since I'm the only one in camp with fresh legs at this point, I can probably out-run about half the folks here.

After making a quick drive-thru run to Aliberto's for some killer burritos, Miss Howerton and I return to Fitch Field, and make a bee-line to the diamond where my team will be playing the Ron Coomer-Keith Moreland squad for the camp championship.

"As your punishment for showing up to camp late, you're going to catch for BOTH teams," jokes Coomer, giving me a hug as I step onto the field. All of the former players at camp are pretty approachable, but Coom is far and away one of the coolest, friendliest and most down-to-earth people I've ever met — so much so, in fact, that when we ran into him at the camp BBQ on Thursday night, Miss Howerton figured he was just one of the campers.

In further testament to his utter righteousness, Coom volunteers to give me additional instruction regarding my newfound backstop duties. "You're crouching too far back from the plate," he says. (This surprises me, though later examination of Miss Howerton's photos will prove him correct.) "Move up about another foot, foot and a half; that way, the pitches from the machine will come in to you at chest-high, rather than drop in on your legs."

"C'mon, Coom — whose team are you on?" cracks someone from his squad.

Coom laughs, then continues with our impromptu catching workshop. "Don't worry — you won't be close enough for the bat to hit you. Trust me, I wouldn't steer you wrong."

True to his word, Coom's instruction leads to a far easier catching experience, though early on in our game I get lazy or space out and forget to pull my right hand behind my back, and immediately receive a foul tip off my thumb for my insolence. "Gotta get that hand back," shouts Keith Moreland, who caught more than a few games during his time in the majors. Luckily, my thumb is just bruised, not broken or split; in any case, that's the kind of mistake you only need to make once.

"You never caught before? You look like Yogi Berra back there," Big Daddy tells me.

"I kinda feel like him, too," I reply.

"What, 90 years old?" he laughs.

My counterpart on the Coomer-Morelands, Len DiGati, is catching his first game of the week, filling in for their regular catcher who's out with a bad leg. He's also gracious enough to catch a few plays for our team while I'm busy struggling with my shinguards. When I thank him later, he says he's been wanting to meet me.

"I read all your blogs about the last time you were here," he tells me. "I was trying to decide whether or not to come here, but your blogs totally pushed me over the edge."

"So, did it live up to your expectations?" I ask.

"It's been even better than I imagined," he says.

I know the feeling.

It'll take a few more games behind the plate to get the hang of catching pop fouls, however. "Theo!" Big Daddy shouts from first, after a batter pops one up behind the plate, but I have absolutely no idea where the hell the damn thing is; I frantically whip my head around in both directions, trying to spot the ball, but only succeed in making myself dizzy. Not that I could have gotten to it in time, mind you...

Still, pop fouls are the least of our team's worries. Both squads are running on fumes at this point, but we're even more out of gas than they are. There's one inning early on where everyone on the field (even Big Daddy, who's once again playing first base) seems to make an error, mental or otherwise, and the Coomer-Morelands pull away to a quick lead. And then our bats start to go cold, mine included; I get on base via an error at one point, and smack a sweetly sizzling grounder up the middle in the fifth as we attempt to mount a rally, but I never make it past second base.

All of a sudden, it's 14-6 with two out in the last inning, nobody on, and I'm up. I take a deep breath and try to savor the moment; I don't know yet if I'll be allowed to play in the campers-vs.-coaches "Big Game" tomorrow, so this might be my last chance to swing a bat at camp. Unfortunately, for the first time all day, I find myself thinking about the mechanics of my swing; instead of just "see ball, hit ball," I try to put more weight on my back foot while simultaneously swinging harder...and as a result, I pop an easy fly to the first baseman. The game's over, and we've lost the championship. I feel bad for my teammates; an eight-run deficit would've been hard to make up, but I wish I could have gotten on base and given at least one or two of our guys a chance to take a few more cuts. There's also the brief bitter flashback to making the last out in Little League games, something I did more times than I care to count "back in the day"...

But once I hurl my batting helmet away in frustration, that's all behind me. I just got to "play two," as Ernie Banks would say, and had a total blast doing it. My new teammates, especially Don Carlson, Jim Angell, Joe Fath and brothers Adam and Paul Ferguson, have made me feel really welcome, and the guys who beat us all seem like good guys, as well. And hey, we did beat the hell out of the "Celebrity Team" this morning. Just another life-affirming day at the ol' ballpark, then.

On the way back to the clubhouse, I run into Skates, my older brother from another mother. He's got a whole cheering section with him this year — his wife and two sisters, all of whom are attired in custom-made shirts reading "Skates" and emblazoned with a charicature of him trying to catch a ball while wearing rollerskates on his cleats. We didn't get to play together or against each other this year, which bums us both out a bit; but hopefully, we'll get the chance next year.

Back in the clubhouse, I sign and pass out a few copies of Big Hair & Plastic Grass — including one to Ed Lynch, who'd been so supportive of the project when I was here in 2010, and one to Eddie Vedder. In return, Eddie gives me a commemorative Pearl Jam notebook, filled with pictures and lyrics. "It's just a little something," he shrugs. He signs it, "All Hail The 'Fro — Eddie Vedder." Right on, Eddie.

Jose Cardenal — whose own 'fro has long departed — is sitting next to Eddie's locker. Lynch takes my book and shows it to him. "Hey, Jose," he says, pointing to the 'fro-tastic photo of Oscar Gamble on the cover, "I don't have my glasses — is that you?" "Aww, fushyoumang," grunts Jose, while Lynchie dissolves in a fit of laughter.

A few minutes later, I spy Billy Williams leafing through my book. I'm too awestruck to even introduce myself, but he looks up and gives me a nod and a Buddha-like smile. Pete LaCock comes over to look at the book, as well. "Big Hair?" he crows, "I had the BEST hair in the 70s!"

"Yeah, man, you were looking good!" I reply.

"Am I in your book?"

Oh, shit. I start to tell him that he's mentioned with the Royals in a chapter or two, but he goes straight for the index and starts looking for his name.

"Lerrin LaGrow... I'm not in there. Wait, Bill Lee's in there like ten times? You put that asshole in, and not me?"

Er, sorry, Pete. It feels like a good time to leave the clubhouse. But as I slink out the door, Jose Cardenal taps me on the elbow. "Joo did good today," he says, nodding solemnly.

Out in the parking lot, Miss Howerton greets me with a kiss. "Hey, get a room!" hollers a voice from the other side of the lot. I already know that, when I turn to look, I'll see Ron Coomer laughing his ass off. And I do.

 

 

Memoirs of a Reluctant Catcher, Part Two

 

(Above: Me catching, with Eddie Vedder at the plate.)

Back in the mid-1970s, when I first fell in love with baseball, I dreamed of playing catcher for a big league team. Not only did some of the best and most colorful players of the era squat behind the plate — guys like Johnny Bench, Thurman Munson, Carlton Fisk, Ted Simmons and Manny Sanguillen, to name a few — but the idea of the catcher as the "captain of the defense" really appealed to my inner Napoleon. And then there was the gear that came with the position — not just the special glove, but the whole bad-ass body armor ensemble, which could make even a relative scrub like Biff Pocoroba look like a man to be reckoned with.

My Little League catching career was short-lived, however; like, "one game" short-lived. The dream started to unravel before our 1977 season even began, when my coach had me warm up a pitcher on the sidelines — but without a mask, since our team's budget only afforded us one of those, and it was currently in use by our starting catcher. Failing to get my glove on an 11 year-old's attempt at a curveball, I took it squarely in the side of the noggin, triggering an expletive-laden tantrum that was a deep shade of blue even by my youthful standards. It also triggered a fear of the ball that stood me in lousy stead once I actually donned "the tools of ignorance" and caught a few innings in a real game; I think I caught most of the pitches that were thrown to me in that game...but only after they bounced off the screen behind me and ricocheted back towards the plate.

From then on — with the exception of a brief but equally unsuccessful attempt at becoming a 12 year-old junkballer — it was strictly IF/OF for me. During my previous visit to Randy Hundley's Cubs Fantasy Camp in 2010, I spent most of the games at second base (a position I can handle pretty well) and far right field (a position that, given our four-man outfield setup, adequately hides my lack of speed). So I figure that, this time around, I'll just tell my new teammates and coach that they'd be best off putting me at second or in right.

Of course, as I quickly realize, you can't just appear in camp on the last day of the season and decide where you'd like to play. When I show up at the Fitch Field clubhouse at 8:45 on Friday morning, my coach — Rick "Big Daddy" Reuschel — reiterates that I'll be catching today...in both games.

"Big Daddy, I've never caught a game in my life," I protest, lying only slightly.

"Then this is a great time for you to learn," he chuckles. He also mentions that we're in contention for the camp championship, and we'll most likely need to win both games in order to take home the trophy. So, you know, no pressure.

My stomach is beginning to churn audibly at the prospect, but I feel a little better once I don my blue Cubs road jersey (emblazoned with #8, in honor of Joe Pepitone) take a stool in the meeting room next to my pals Paul Malek, Beth Chaplin, and Bobby "Skates" Farinelli. Paul was my double-play partner in 2010, and though both Beth and Skates played on another team that year, they're dear pals of mine as well — Skates even made the four-hour drive from Iowa to come to one of my Big Hair & Plastic Grass Chicago events in 2010, and I hung out with him and Beth in Minneapolis last summer at a Twins game, followed by a legendarily festive evening with Ron Coomer, his wife Paula, and several other Cubs campers.

The morning clubhouse meeting is exactly like how I remembered it. The coaches take turns running down the games from yesterday, alternately praising their players and fining them for a variety of comical infractions. This year's crop of coaches include former players Bobby Dernier, Ed Lynch, Pete LaCock, Jose Cardenal, Lee Smith, Todd Hundley, Willie Wilson, Larry Biittner, Carmen Fanzone, Ron Coomer, Keith Moreland, Glenn Beckert and Rick Reuschel — all of whom were here in 2010 — and Hall of Famer Billy Williams, who arrived late in the week to fill in for a now-departed Fergie Jenkins. Joe Pepitone, who was supposed to participate in 2010 and didn't, apparently showed up for two days this year and then disappeared. Thus, my treasured copy of Joe, You Coulda Made Us Proud remains sadly unautographed...

With Randy Hundley acting as MC, some of the coaches also offer up a few war stories from their playing days. Hundley Sr. tries to get Cardenal to re-tell his famous "Ham and Eggs" story (about how he ordered that dish virtually ever day during his first season in the minors, because he didn't know enough English to order anything else); but Jose has been suffering from a bad cold and can barely speak, so he calls upon Eddie Vedder to serve as his "interpreter". Vedder, a close friend of the Cuban outfielder, proceeds to tell the whole story in a hilariously note-perfect approximation of Cardenal's Chico Esquela-esque patois.

On my way out of the clubhouse after the meeting, someone stops me and lets me know that Robert Hegyes, aka "Epstein" of Welcome Back, Kotter fame, has passed away at the too-young age of 60. Though I had no love for the Epstein character — or for the amount of times I got called "Juan" in school because of him — I inwardly decide to dedicate my first game to my pop-culture namesake.

We're scheduled to face Vedder's team (coached by Cardenal and LaCock) in the Friday morning game. As anyone who knows me (or has ever read this blog) can probably tell you, I am not a Pearl Jam fan, to say the least. But I've gotta give it up for Eddie — not only can the guy cover some serious ground in centerfield, but he also turns out to be a genuinely sweet and open guy. His teammate, my friend Bryan Redington, introduces us in the dugout before the game, and tells Eddie about Big Hair & Plastic Grass; we immediately begin to riff on Oscar Gamble, Bake McBride, and the fact that we both have the best hair in camp. He then proceeds to take a hit away from me during my first at-bat of the game, spearing a sinking liner to dead center, but I can't really hold it against him. Is it possible to recognize a kindred spirit in someone, even if you can't stand their art?

Having taken the precaution of visiting a batting cage right before the trip to Mesa, I'm already swinging the bat as well or better than I ever did in 2010. It's one frozen rope after another for me, two of which drop for hits and kick off big innings for us. "Larry told me you couldn't hit a lick," chuckles Big Daddy, after I make it safely to first for the second time in the game. While we're laughing, Vedder's bodyguard nails me lounging off of first with the "hidden ball" trick. But Big Daddy claims that he called time out, and thankfully the umpire buys it.

Two plays later, I cross home plate for the second time today, and we're well on our way to a 20-10 hammering of the "Celebrity Team". Everyone on our team contributes, but it's Joe Fath, our stellar left fielder and cleanup hitter, who leads the way with a single, two triples, and an inside-the-park home run. We have qualified for a spot in the one-game championship playoff!

Unlike the three other games happening in camp, ours is fairly well-attended, mostly by curious fans who want to see Vedder, John Cusack and Chris Chelios play. For the record, Vedder's a very good player, and Chelios was reportedly playing great until he busted his ankle; Cusack (pictured below) hit some ropes in our game, but the consensus seems to be that he's, er, much less of a natural ballplayer than Vedder or Chelios.

I've gotta say — it's really nice to play a winning game in front of a crowd, but it's even better to play a winning game with your girlfriend cheering you on and blowing you kisses from the stands, which is something I've truly never experienced before. (Thanks for the support, Miss Howerton, and thank you as well for taking these awesome action shots.)

Oh yeah — this catching thing, while not easy, is a lot more fun than I thought it would be. It helps that we're not allowed to steal in our games, of course, and that I'm catching balls thrown by a (relatively) accurate pitching machine, but it's still a fairly rigorous position. You're literally involved in every play, every pitch, and catching keeps you on your toes (and on your knees) in a way that no other position does. The other team's leadoff hitter fouls one off my mask on the third pitch of the game...but much to my surprise, it doesn't hurt at all. Much more painful are the sinking pitches that land on my right thigh; my weak knees won't allow me to do a full catcher's squat, so I'm essaying a combination Manny Sanguillen/Randy Hundley stance, with my right knee down and my right hand behind my back. This leaves my upper right thigh relatively unprotected, though, and by the end of the day I'll have a bruise on my thigh running from knee to groin, looking like a sideways map of Great Britain fashioned from corned beef. But the satisfying "Thwhomp!" I hear everytime the ball lands in the mitt's sweet spot more than compensates for the pain.

The only drag about catching that I hadn't anticipated is that, with all the putting on and taking off of the shinguards and chest protector, you wind up missing a lot of the actual game — and you spend a lot of time anticipating when your next at-bat will be, so that you'll have all the equipment off in time to head to the plate. By the same token, you don't wanna "take it all off" and have the inning end before you get up to bat, and then have to put it all back on again. Thanks mucho to Rob Skinner, our opponent's impressively bearded catcher (pictured below), who not only gave me several helpful hints about donning the "tools of ignorance," but also volunteered on a couple of occasions to fill in for me on the field while I got my shit together in the dugout. That same spirit of friendliness and cooperation seems pretty widespread in camp this year, and that's truly a beautiful thing.

 

Memoirs of a Reluctant Catcher, Part One

The original plan was just to spend a long, relaxing weekend in Mesa, AZ, cheering on my pals as they played out their final games at Randy Hundley's Cubs Fantasy Camp, and enjoying dinner and drinks with them afterwards. And then, two days before I was planning to hit the road, the injury reports started piling up in my inbox. "Wheels, bring your uniform," was the basic gist. "Everybody's getting hurt. We might need you to fill in!"

And so it is that Miss Howerton and I set off across the desert on Thursday morning, Boston and the Bee Gees blasting from my iPod (with some Flying Burrito Brothers on deck for the Joshua Tree-adjacent section of our trip), and my regulation Cubs home and road jerseys hanging in the window. The drive from LA to Mesa is, for the most part, a total pleasure. I think, with the right company and proper soundtrack, I could probably drive across the desert forever. The passing mountains, rock formations, and (in Arizona, at least) silent armies of saguaro cacti never fail to put my heart and mind in a state of peaceful contentment.

Other than a brief detour outside of Cabezon for gas and snacks, and a couple of bathroom breaks, our only real driving break comes in Blythe, CA, where we stop for lunch at the Courtesy Coffee Shop, which was highly recommended by my friends Gerry & Ante. (Thanks, Wendels!) A down-at-the-heels Googie-style diner, the place was probably a real knockout in its day, but still retains plenty of faded period charm...

Good sandwiches, too, though their fries have clearly fallen prey to the same "coated and seasoned" plague that has afflicted so many restaurants, great and small, from coast to coast. Should've ordered the onion rings instead. Ah, well... The other great thing about the Courtesy is their "Cocktail Lounge" sign, which is missing an "o" — I take it as a good omen, since we'll probably be doing a fair amount of cocktail lunges before the weekend is over.

The last 90 minutes of the drive — which involves fighting our way inch-by-inch through Phoenix-area rush hour traffic — just intensifies the need for one of those aforementioned cocktails. Happily, we arrive at the Dobson Ranch Inn just in time for the annual camp BBQ, that time of the week when the coaches man the grills and cook up a mountain of burgers, brats, Italian sausage, chicken breasts and veggie patties for the hungry campers...and there's always plenty of liquid refreshment on hand, as well. 

We say hello to quite a number of my old pals from 2010 (including coaches Bobby Dernier, Ron Coomer and Pete LaCock), and all the conversations pretty much hit on the same two points: The list of casualties from the week thus far, and how this year's "Celebrity Team" — whose roster includes Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder, actor John Cusack and retired hockey star Chris Chelios — held a massive karaoke blowout at the hotel bar last night, in honor of Chelios' 50th birthday. Other guests included Cubs hurler Ryan Dempster and actors DB Sweeney and John C. McGinley; by all accounts we missed the party of the year, or at very least the surreal spectacle of Chelios (who looks like he's about 30, btw) and Dempster serenading Vedder with his own songs...

It isn't too surprising to hear the litany of injuries currently afflicting the campers; as I discovered during my week-long baseball fantasy camp foray in 2010, the fantasy camp experience will definitely blow your mind — but it may quite possibly blow your hamstring, as well. You play hard, at least 14 innings a day; and even if you're in decent shape and/or lucky enough make it through the week relatively unharmed, you may still find your body increasingly refusing to co-operate with your desire to play. ("Dive for that ground ball? Fuck YOU, pal.")

This year, however, two of my favorite teammates from 2010 are already relegated to the DL. Scotty Marks, always one of the fastest guys in camp, took a tumble on Tuesday while trying to beat out a groundball, and wound up having to have extensive surgery on his hand; by the time I make it to camp, he's already gone home. Jerry Cook, who anchored us at third base in 2010, has locked up his back so badly, he's decided to head home Friday morning to see his doctor. Larry Malcolmson, our catcher and team leader, isn't hurt, but he also has to leave on Friday due to some pressing business appointments.

With Jerry and Larry splitting town, their team is now down to eight players — and since the camp games are played with a four-man outfield, this leaves them at a one-man disadvantage, even with team coach Rick "Big Daddy" Reuschel taking over in the field at first base. (Glenn Beckert, the team's other coach, is in no shape to play.) Jerry, Larry and Big Daddy have arranged for me to fill in as a "late-season call-up," playing the last two games of the camp session for the Reuschel-Beckert squad. However, there's a slight, er, catch:

"I hope you brought your cup," says Big Daddy, "Because you're catching tomorrow."

Oh, shit.

Matzo Balls, the San Diego Chicken & Bon Jovi: Memories of Grandma Rae

Rachel Epstein, my beloved grandmother, passed away Monday afternoon at the assisted-living facility in the Bronx where she'd lived for several years. While my family and I are all profoundly saddened by Grandma Rae's passing, it came as more of a blessing than a tragedy: She slipped away painlessly and peacefully in the comfort of her own apartment, knowing how much she was loved by the people in her life. She made it to 100 — and she may have been older than that — without any debilitating medical issues, and was very much her feisty self up 'til the end, and we are truly grateful for all of that.

Tiny, round, and cute as a button, my Grandma Rae had the most amazing smile — you can kind of see it in the photo above — where her entire face seemed to be grinning; it was almost a Buddha-like image of contentment. I saw this smile most often when she was feeding us; she was very much the classic Jewish grandmother, never happier than when she was surrounded by her family at the dinner table. And good lord, this woman could seriously throw down in the "Jewish Soul Food" department — the best matzo ball soup and latkes I've ever had (and believe me, I've had plenty), stuffed cabbage to die for, chopped liver, roast beef, brisket, etc., all whipped up in a kitchen so tiny it could barely fit two people. Even during her later years, when she found cooking more difficult (and when her health required her to go easy on the red meat and chicken fat), she would lay out even the smallest spread with such love that it felt like a feast. "It's made with my special ingredient," she would say whenever I complimented her on a dish. "T.L.C.!"

(Clearly her cooking made an early impression upon me. One of her favorite stories to tell was of the time she and my grandfather found me sitting on the walk outside my house — I was 4 or 5 at the time — putting pebbles down the barrel of my cap pistol. "What are you doing, Dan?" they asked. "I'm loading my gun with kasha varnishkes," I matter-of-factly replied.)

But for all the sweetness and love she radiated, Grandma Rae was no pushover. She had an inner toughness that was forged over the course of a very difficult life, one that began in a village near the Polish city of Łódź. Times were hard for her family, and her father and uncle left to find work in America when she was still a little girl. (That's her in the center of the above family photo.) After a couple of years, her dad amassed enough savings to send for the rest of the family, and Rae, her mother, sister and brother endured the long voyage over the Atlantic that so many other immigrants of the era took. But when they arrived at Ellis Island, her father was nowhere to be seen. Their uncle was there in his stead, and with a few whispered words, he communicated that they should pretend he was their father; my grandma's real father had died of influenza while their journey was taking place, and her uncle was justifiably afraid that the immigration officials might put them on the next boat back to the Ukraine, once they discovered that the head of the family was no longer alive to support them. I can only imagine the soul-crushing pain and trauma of that moment; but somehow, Rae and her family found the inner strength to push forward and begin a new life for themselves in their adopted country.

Rae's family initially settled on the Lower East Side of Manhattan, later moving to the Brownsville section of Brooklyn — both of which were rather rough enclaves of European Jews at the time. Brownsville, in fact, was the birthplace of the notorious Murder Incorporated syndicate; Rae's older sister Goldie even married a bootlegger named Abe Wagner, who was whacked in 1932 by gunmen employed by Murder, Inc. honchos Meyer Lansky and Bugsy Seigel. Rae didn't share her sister's taste for bad boys — her husband, my Grandpa Joe, was a diamond-setter — but there was always a tinge of classic NYC toughness to the way she talked. Irwin, my father, was always "Oi-win"; Deepak Chopra, who she'd seen on talk shows and found interesting, became "Deepa Copa" in her parlance. ("Are you talking about Deepak Chopra?" my Aunt Carole once asked her. "Yeah," she replied, somewhat impatiently. "Deepa Copa!") "Hello, Doll," she would say to me every time I saw her. "You look beautiful. Just bee-YOO-tea-ful."

Grandma Rae was a masterful story-teller (a gift we didn't even realize she had until after my grandfather died in 1982, thus leaving her to take on the role of dinner-table raconteur), a veritable shark at mahjong, and a big baseball fan. Maybe it's because I would typically see her during the summer, but I realize now that a large percentage of my memories of her have to do with baseball. When the Mets won the World Series in 1969, she and my grandfather sent me a full child-sized Mets uniform. They retired to San Diego for most of the 1970s, and they took my sister and I to several Padres games — though Grandma once took me aside beforehand to warn me that the experience of watching the hapless Padres might be a difficult one for my temperamental Grandpa Joe. "The Padres players pull such boners," she shrugged, "and your grandfather, he gets so upset." (Of course, my mental image of Padres players "pulling boners" was not the same thing she had in mind, but I kept it to myself.) I was also with her the one time I met the Padres' legendary San Diego Chicken mascot, who was shaking hands and handing out autographed postcards of himself at the park near my grandparents' apartment. I was a little nervous and shy about interacting with such a major celebrity, but Grandma Rae urged me on. "Go on, Dan," she said. "Shake hands with the Chicken." I sure wish I could find that postcard now...

Rae and Joe returned to the East Coast in 1979, settling in a cozy one-bedroom apartment in Freeport, Long Island. My sister and I spent a few weeks there with them in August of that year, and went with them on a local community center field trip to a Mets game at Shea Stadium. We saw Dock Ellis pitch that day, which was memorable in itself, but the other thing I remember most about that outing was a little Dennis the Menace-looking kid about my age — the grandson of one of the other attendees — who spent the entire trek up to our second-deck seats telling me about how he was gonna grab any ball that was hit to our section. "I'd hate to have to take a foul ball away from you, kid," he muttered, "but I will!" It was the weirdest thing, like he was an opposing player trying to psych me out. "Whatever, kid," I muttered back, but I was bugged — and I was even more bugged when a ball came flying towards us, bounced off the stairs, and the little fucker jumped up and snagged it on the hop in one fluid motion. Much fuss was made over the kid's catch, both at the game and on the bus ride home. "Your little grandson was the hero of the game," I heard some lady gush from the back of the bus, while I fumed silently in my seat. Grandma Rae, who was sitting next to me, patted my hand and whispered conspiratorially in my ear: "Biiiiig deal," she chuckled, and all was right in my world again.

One of Grandma Rae's amusing idiosyncracies was that, if you came in from the city for the day to have lunch or dinner with her, she'd ask you about your return train almost as soon as you finished eating. It wasn't that she didn't love the company, but the message was always clear: "Thank you for coming to see me, now go on and live your life." Of course, if there was a Yankees game on TV, you might be able to hang out in her apartment for a little while longer and watch a few innings with her. Though she'd lived much of her life in Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Mets territory, Grandma Rae became a born-again Yankees fan in the '80s, a conversion at least partly inspired by her crush on Lou Piniella. Looking back on it now, I think she had kind of a "thing" for Italian guys; I seem to remember her being pretty into Lee Mazzilli as well, and she briefly defected from the Yankees to the Mets when Mike Piazza set up shop at Shea Stadium. "I like the Yankees," I remember her telling me over the phone, "but I love that Piazza!"

Grandma Rae also had something of a fixation on Jon Bon Jovi, which began in 2002 when I was producing an episode on the making of Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet for VH1's short-lived "Ultimate Albums" series. I had come out east several times to interview members of the band, their former colleagues, etc.; Grandma never entirely understood what it was that I did for a living — "Well, as long as you're happy," she would say — so I think she inferred from my visits that the band and I had some sort of close working relationship. From then on, every time I would see her or talk to her on the phone, she would always bring up Bon Jovi; and as her mind began to slip a bit, the Bon Jovi connection began to take on new dimensions — for instance, she would tell me that the residents of her assisted-living facility (all of whom had to be in their sixties or older) were taking a bus to see a Bon Jovi concert, and that if only she felt good enough to go along, she would be sure to say hi to Jon backstage and tell him that she was my grandmother.

Last week, my father — who was wonderfully, even heroically attentive to her, especially in her declining years — informed me that Grandma probably wasn't long for this world, and that I should give her a call as soon as possible. It was probably the hardest phone call I've ever had to make; what do you say when you know that someone you love dearly is dying, and this may well be the last time you ever speak to them? I decided that, if nothing else, I was going to tell her that I loved her, because ultimately that's all that really matters. But I was too preoccupied by this churning thought process to consider recording the call — which I deeply regret now, as it turned out to be probably the sweetest and most oddly profound three-minute conversation I've ever had...

Her voice sounded unusually gravelly, and for a few seconds there I was worried that she wouldn't be able to remember who I was. But something clicked in her brain and she was suddenly right there with me, asking me about my apartment in L.A., my girlfriend, my cat — and, of course, Bon Jovi. "You know, I was thinking a lot about when you used to manage Bon Jovi," she said. "And I was thinking... if I were to run into him and tell him that I was your grandmother, well, you know, it would probably be a very pleasant conversation."

"Yes," I said, laughing and crying at the same time. "I'm sure it would be."

"Do you ever talk to him anymore?" she asked.

"No, Grandma," I said. "Jon and I went our separate ways many years ago."

"Oh," she said. "Well, you know... things change."

They do indeed, Grandma, but my love for you will never change — it will always be there in my heart. Thank you for all the love, laughs, food, trinkets and wonderful memories. You were beautiful, just bee-YOO-tea-ful...

 

 

The Return of Silky D

That's right, people — along with writing, rocking, painting, cooking and taking pictures, I've also been known to spin the occasional wax platter. And this Thursday night, July 29, from 10 pm to 2 am, I'll be guest DJing at Bar 107, located at 107 W. 4th Street in downtown Los Angeles.

Resident DJs Jorge Onion and Anthony will be switching off all night with me, DJ Silky D (and I'm a Taurus, baby!), and we'll be spinning a wide variety of cool and danceable stuff, from old school funk to punk and indie. I'll be mostly working the '70s side of the street, of course — and all from vintage 45s — but I just may venture into some other eras, as well.

So come on down for cold beer, hot bartenders and righteous tunes at the only watering hole I've ever been to that has both a deer's head and a portrait of Barbra Streisand hanging behind the bar. Admission is free — how can ya lose?

(Most Likely) Sleepless In Seattle

I've really been wanting to post a recap of my amazing Chicago trip to promote Big Hair & Plastic Grass, but things like my regular gig, holiday BBQs, baseball games and classic rum-based tiki drinks keep getting in my way. And now I'm getting ready to head up to Enrique Romo's old stomping grounds of Seattle, Washington for another round of BH&PG promotion, so I'd better just focus on that for now, especially as some things are finally (and thankfully) falling together at the last minute.

Here's what's up:

Friday, July 9, at 5:15 pm, I will be kicking out some hot n' nasty classic rock jams with The Fixers, Seattle's premiere Humble Pie tribute band (whose mighty membership also includes Andrew McKeag of the Presidents of the United States of America, Kurt Bloch of the Fastbacks, and my old Chicago pal Scott Giampino of Cash Money). This 45-minute epidemic of Stone Cold Fever will take place on the California Stage (as in Cal Jam, no doubt) as part of West Seattle Summer Fest. While this doesn't really have much to do with BH&PG, per se, it does have plenty to do with ass-kicking '70s rock, and it will be a guaranteed rockin' good time that requires no doctor or admission charge.

Friday, July 9, from 9pm to 2am, some of the aforementioned Fixers chaps (as well as Ben London, and maybe some others) will be spinning '70s jams at the Feedback Lounge (6541 California Ave SW, Seattle 98136) in celebration of Big Hair & Plastic Grass. I won't be reading from the book, but I will be selling and signing copies, and conversing about the righteousness of the original Mariners' trident logo with anyone who'll buy me a beer. The event is FREE, baby.

Saturday, July 10, at 2pm, I will be reading, signing and answering questions about BH&PG at the legendary indie bookstore Elliott Bay Book Company. Please note that this event (which is also FREE) will take place at the store's new Capitol Hill location: 1521 Tenth Avenue, Seattle 98122, 206-624-6600.

If you're a Seattle resident and a baseball/pop culture fan — or you know someone who is — please help spread the word about these events. I've been trying to get some attention for the book from the Seattle media, but so far not so good; maybe my revisiting the Seattle Pilots fiasco opened some old wounds? In any case, the more the merrier, so please make the scene(s) if you can!

AOR Demolition Night

Yes, Chicago baseball fans, it's official — this coming Thursday night, June 24, the Big Hair & Plastic Grass party at Liars Club will also be "AOR Demolition Night"! In an attempt to ritually avenge the demise of all that sweet disco wax at Comiskey Park's "Disco Demolition Night" in 1979 (pictured above), we're going to be destroying a whole mess o' crappy '70s rock vinyl. Bring a '70s album by Foreigner, Styx, REO, Orleans, Kansas, etc., and receive a drink ticket for a free can of Pabst Blue Ribbon; Liars Club proprietor Herb Rosen has also decreed that anyone bringing a '70s Rush album for the pile will receive the free drink of their choice. Since we can't set off M-80s or plastic explosives in the bar without arousing the ire of the Fire Marshall, all albums will be destroyed with sledgehammers by BH&PG author Dan Epstein and authorized assistants.

Event info:

Thursday, June 24, 2010 at 8:30pm-2 am

Liars Club

1665 West Fullerton Ave.

Chicago, IL

Come celebrate the publication of Dan Epstein's BIG HAIR AND PLASTIC GRASS: A FUNKY RIDE THROUGH BASEBALL AND AMERICA IN THE SWINGING '70S with an evening of funky (and not-so-funky) music, cold beer, baseball talk and maybe a few surprises. The author will be on hand to read aloud from his writings (at least before he gets too liquored up to see straight), and sign his book — copies of which will be on sale at the venue.

DJ John San Juan will be spinning the '70s AM gold all night. Colt 45 and PBR tallboys for only $2! Don your afro wig, your '70s threads and/or retro baseball jersey, and get down with us — 'cuz we're riding on the groove line tonight (whoop whoop)! 

Please pass this invite along to anyone else who might dig it! Oh yeah — admission is FREE, baby!

Hello, New York!

After a crazy weekend at a friend's wedding in the Hamptons, I have finally landed in New York City to begin Phase One of my book promotion duties for Big Hair and Plastic Grass, which (and I can't believe I'm actually typing this) comes out tomorrow. NYC is grey and gorgeous, and once again giving me both a shot of adrenaline and a feeling of inner calm — kind of like, "Welcome home, kid; now let's ROCK."

Indeed, I was greeted last night by a nice notice for BH&PG in the NY Post's Summer Beach Book Preview section, a glass of Allegash Victoria at the Blind Tiger, and a coupla slices of the Nonna Maria pie from Bleeker Street Pizza. And with nothing much on my plate, promo-wise, until tomorrow (when I'll be appearing on The Daily Line and then guest DJing during Evan "The Funk" Davies' show on WFMU), I'm thinking this might be a good day to wander Manhattan, take pictures, and maybe buy some shoes. Life is good.

Taco Tuesday: Brian Posehn

In this special metallic episode of Taco Tuesday, metal-lovin' comedian Brian Posehn (best known for his work on Just Shoot Me!, Mr. Show and the Sara Silverman Program) fills in for Jay to eat tacos and talk about new albums from Periphery and RATT.

"Have You Ever Played Wizard Staff?"

I've been a fan of moody, rootsy Indiana rockers Murder By Death for a few years now, and I figured from Adam Turla's lyrics that he'd be an interesting cat to talk to when I interviewed him this year at SXSW. I was right — but I didn't expect him to enlighten me to what may be the most righteous drinking game in the world.

I'll let Mr. Turla explain it in detail, but let's just say that it's called "Wizard Staff" — and that, if you're doing exceedingly well at it, a henchman is required to help you drink. Does that fucking rule, or what? 

Take it away, Adam...